Last night I dreamt I was a guest on the Graham Norton show. Joining me were Bruce Springsteen, Stephen Fry and Scarlett Johansson.
Being the least famous, I was the first to be greeted by the always effervescing Norton himself and introduced to the audience. I shook hands with Graham and gave the audience a brief wave. They were no doubt wondering, who the heck is this guy? Then I took my place at the far end of the famous red couch.
A few seconds later, I was joined by Stephen Fry who had given Graham a quick but affectionate kiss on the cheek before making his way towards me and sitting down. I could not help but notice how big his feet were. I was pleased he didn’t offer to kiss me.
Next came Scarlett. She wafted in smiling brighter than the sun, gave the host a huge hug, a double cheek kiss and then approached us. Both Stephen and I leapt to our feet. She kissed Stephen but I only received a warm soft hand. I was disappointed that I hadn’t also been granted a kiss.
Then before I knew what was happening, a grinning Bruce had walked on set, shaken hands with Graham, kissed Scarlett, smiled at Stephen, and pretty much ignored me. He sat in his standard immaculate black suit and shirt, just a few feet away. He was smaller than I imagined.
Graham shuffled his cue cards and dove straight into his questions. I remembered, from having watched his show many times, that he usually starts with the least well-known person. The warm-up act as it were.
“So, Les Stanley” he said smiling, “you have a new book out. Cannes Encore! (He actually pronounced the exclamation mark) Travel In The Time Of COVID. Capital letters (he said that too). Tell us all about it.” The pressure was on. I started talking, aware that I was on a couch with probably one of the most well-read men in the world.
“It’s a kind of travel book’ I said, clumsily.” I could see Scarlett’s smile beginning to wane, I sensed the room becoming darker. Bruce was looking half at me and half at the floor, probably working on a new song. I blundered on. Stephen appeared genuinely interested.
“How interesting” he said. I pushed on.
“Yes, I tried to tell the truth about travel. It’s not all wonderful and amazing. Sometimes things go wrong. Especially if you set off with your wife” This cheap joke got a bit of a laugh from the audience. Bruce chortled quietly. Scarlet didn’t react. Stephen kindly said,
“Oh how true,” then added raffishly, “or husband”.
Graham sensed that I was about to begin a long rant and cleverly interrupted saying,
“Well it’s very funny, in parts.” He definitely hesitated, turning a compliment into a slight insult. “I’m sure we wish you all the best with it.”
“Thanks” I responded lamely, realising that my 15 minutes of fame was probably over in less than three.
Graham moved smoothly on and asked Scarlet why she was in London. I took the opportunity to stare at the side of her face in the spotlight so clear, but I wasn’t really listening to what she said. I caught a few snippets of the conversation; a play of some kind in the West End, something she’d always wanted to do. But really, I was considering my own feeble effort at being a celebrity. Thinking hard about what to say next, in case Graham focused on me again. After a short but entertaining discourse with Scarlett, he moved his attention to Bruce.
“Now, Bruce you’re in London as part of a massive world tour. Three nights at Wembley, then Manchester, Glasgow and off to Ireland and the rest of Europe.”
“That’s right” replied Bruce “On the road again, heh heh.” He had an endearing habit of adding a throaty giggle to anything he said. It was almost as if he still couldn’t believe how popular he was. Suddenly, as Bruce started looking at the carpet again, Graham directed a question at me. It was quite disarming how he would look subtly at his cue cards and then throw out what seemed like an almost random question.
“You’re a big Bruce fan, aren’t you? You’ve seen him in concert a few times and he even gets a mention in your first book My Brother’s Bicycle.” For a moment I was confused. Graham continued “you know the time-travel thing.” Bruce looked at me quizzically, Scarlett’s blue eyes pierced my skull, Stephen whispered, almost to himself,
“time-travel, really, how fascinating.” I was in the spotlight again. It was my chance to shine. The pressure was on.
I rose to the occasion,
“Wow, I’m impressed you’ve even read my first book,” I said to Graham (always flatter the host).
“Yes, there are a couple of fantasy sections involving Star Trek, Henry Miller and Bruce.”
“Goodness” muttered Stephen “how did you combine those tangential subjects?” Scarlett lent forward slightly and touched my leg. I wasn’t sure why, but I wasn’t about to complain. I also realised that, bizarrely, I was falling more and more in love with Stephen. I carried on as best I could and explained how a malfunction of the Heisenberg compensator, had caused a rift in time and Henry and Bruce had been transported to Southern France circa 2010.
Bruce didn’t seem overly impressed about being mentioned in my book, but was interested in my obvious fandom,
“So which concerts did you see?” he asked, staring right at me. Bruce Springsteen, The Boss, The Hardest Working Man in Music was asking me a direct question.
“Copenhagen in ’81 on The River Tour and Brisbane 2002 on The Rising Tour” I replied. He seemed impressed that I could name the tours and said,
“Brisbane, it’s a beautiful city.” I sat back, satisfied that we had bonded on a whole new level. Graham was talking to Scarlett again about the play she was appearing in but I wasn’t really listening. She effused for a while about how live theatre was real acting and then, seeming almost to tire of talking about the subject herself, said, directly to me,
“Copenhagen? My dad was from Copenhagen. How long did you live there?” Scarlet Johansson, often described as the most beautiful woman in the world, had asked me a direct question.
“Oh, just under a year” I replied, “in the early ‘80s.” Scarlet laughed,
“before I was born then.” I knew she wasn’t trying to be mean but that hurt.
“Ouch,” said Stephen quietly.
Then it was Stephen’s turn to be his familiar erudite self.
“What have you been up to lately?“ asked Graham.
“Well, I’m keeping busy, working with a couple of charities,” replied Stephen, “Mind, the mental health charity and, of course, I’m still heavily involved with Movember, the organisation that helps people deal with prostate cancer.” He turned to me, “I understand you went through the trauma?” he said warmly. Stephen Fry, one of the most intelligent, charming people in the world was asking me a direct question.
“Eight years ago,” I said, “all good now, functioning at 90%”. Everybody laughed.
“More than most of us I’d guess,” said Graham, giggling into his cards. “Well, not you Scarlet, I’m sure.” Scarlet touched my leg again, then Stephen’s,
“I’m glad you’re both OK now,” she said.
Still touching my leg, Scarlett leant forward and looked me in the eye, I leant forward too until we were both resting our elbows on Stephen’s legs. Then we kissed. Bruce had magicked up a guitar from somewhere and was singing, Rosalita, come out tonight. Suddenly he leapt off the couch and started chasing Graham, who was playing a saxophone, around the stage. In another corner, Stephen was playing a grand piano. Bruce took a run at it and leapt on top, still singing one day we’ll look back on this and it will seem funny. Scarlett and I carried on kissing.
Then I woke up.
Song references:
stare at the side of her face in the spotlight so clear – from Tangled up in Blue by Bob Dylan
Rosalita, come out tonight and one day we’ll look back on this and it will seem funny – from Rosalita by Bruce Springsteen
Last night I dreamed we were together again – from Point Blank by Bruce Springsteen